Advice to Dave

by Graham Davies

Remember that the real secret of how to make a really boring speech is to try and include absolutely everything. You did a super job of that in your 72 minute marathon last year. Just maybe a 50 minute sprint would go down better with the punters.

Don't repeat any of theses phrases from your speech on Monday:

We can't afford complacency.
There are tough times ahead.
We must not let Britain down.
It's time for a New Broom.

You have to avoid another torrent of cliches like these. And no more badly-told, dated gags about Ken Clarke's Hush Puppies. The Faithful were clearly embarassed when that one fell flat.

Please come up with some memorable phrases that are as good as Michael Gove's ....or Peter Mandelson's. It's just possible that it was your deliberate decision to ensure that nearly all the speeches this week were boring.....so that the Tories are no longer seen as merely the Party of Shiny Marketing.

But remember that, just because you want to emphasize your substance, it doesn't mean that you should present it in a dull, flat and boring way.