Emergency Update: Flood Warning
By Graham Davies

Disturbing news for top fashion designers. Dolce & Gabana, Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent, Versace, Yohji Mamamoto and the like have just over one month to get together a range of stylish waterproofs.

Kate Winslet is up for two Oscars. Anyone in the vicinity will have to take precautions to avoid being drowned by gushing from the stage and vomit from the audience.

My eminently practical suggestion for the organisers is to print a programme featuring a full list of all the people each nominee would like to thank. On-screen subtitles should also be made available.

Then the winners will not have to say anything. And the audience can enjoy a basic human right: Freedom from Speech.